The life you save (just might be your own)
by samanddianefan10
Summary: The night of her reunion with the group, Carol realizes she doesn't quite belong, no matter what Rick might say to her. She's ready to leave during the night, when a member of the group shows he might be more broken than she was. Suddenly for Rick and Carol, life starts to make sense for the first time in a long time. R/C friendship tale


Carol was tired. Tired of hurting, tired of running, tired of doubting her worth to the group. During her entire marriage to Ed, she'd always felt there was something wrong with her, but after his death and getting to know this group of people (especially a certain male friend who happened to carry a crossbow) she'd learned that Ed's problems with her were more of a reflection of him more so than of her.

Still, doubts of her worth remained.

What Daryl did for her and for Sophia, she would never forget. She didn't quite understand it, but his never giving up on the ill-fated search for Sophia meant more than anything in the world other than her daughter ever had.

Still...

Yes, Daryl had seemed so happy to see her. He'd hugged her, didn't want to let go, and he even cried when he found her again! Normally she was the one shedding all the tears, but to see that a man had cared enough to cry for her...well, that was something she'd never forget for as long as she lived.

But still...doubts remained. Tyreese and Carol had come to an understanding, but she knew especially with what happened with Lizzie, that he'd never fully trust her, never fully welcome her. She could almost live with that, because what she did to Karen and David and with Lizzie was in the best interest of the group, even though she knew most would have a hard time seeing that.

Yet a loneliness and a hunger resided in her that she'd tried to bury, but it was getting harder and harder for her to deny those feelings as hard as she'd tried to.

After Rick had reunited with Judith ( a most beautiful moment) it kind of seemed her place in the group might be secure. Yet somehow it almost seemed as if the circle of life had been completed, that her time with the group had come to an end. Where could she go from there?

It was the middle of the night, they'd found shelter for the night, and she was the only one awake. Glenn and Maggie were keeping watch, but she knew they wouldn't notice if she slipped off into the night.

She saw Daryl sleeping, covered with a worn towel for a blanket. She smiled. It was those moments of his vulnerability she knew he hated for others to witness, but still it made her smile.

She looked back at him one last time, and quietly grabbed her belongings and started out for the newest phase of her journey.

She didn't get too far when she heard a noise. It sounded as if it were alive, a human, crying.

She sat her bag down and readied her knife as she went to investigate. She was shocked to see Rick, cowering behind a tree with his head buried in his hands.

Not sure what she should do, she coughed lightly to make her presence known. Rick looked up at her, his face beaded with sweat and tears.

"Are you okay?" she whispered, cautiously approaching him.

He didn't say anything. His eyes briefly met hers, then he turned his attention back to the ground. There was nothing there to attract his attention, but it sure was a way for him to avoid facing her.

She carefully sat down beside him, and for a few minutes, nothing was said. Only a few barely audible cries of Rick's filled the air.

"Hey..." she nudged him. "It's okay. It's okay."

He didn't say anything, but now Carol observed something she hadn't before. Rick was fidgeting with his knife.

She carefully put her hand on his to stop him from accidentally or not hurting himself. He didn't say anything, but still he cried.

"Rick..." Carol started. "It's okay. Even heroes need room to fall sometimes."

He looked at her but said nothing.

"What we've been through...what you've been through...no one would blame you for needing some time to yourself. No one would question for a second how you're feeling. It's okay. I know. I've been there."

He tried to smile, but something obviously bigger and deeper than Carol realized was going on. She took her arm and pulled Rick close to her, allowing him to bury his silent sobs within the comfort of her warm, feminine shoulder.

"Is this about Judith? Is she okay?"

He sat up, wiped his face and nodded. "She's fine. She's sleeping. So oblivious to everything...God I wish I could be that oblivious to what we're living with now."

She nodded. "I know what you mean. You can't unsee the things we've seen, that's for sure."

Rick took a deep breath..."Carol...I just wanted to you to know...what you did for us...how you saved us all, how you led me back to my daughter...for the rest of my life I'll be more thankful than I could ever tell you. You saved Judith. You saved our group. You saved me."

She smiled wearily. "I once had someone risk his life to save my child. I think its only right when someone gives you a gift you find a way to repay them somehow or some way."

He nodded. Daryl.

She saw there was more going on with Rick than what he was letting on. "Rick...its still me. I understand if you feel you can't...I'm still me. I care about you. I'm here. You don't have to carry your burden all alone."

He smiled briefly. "I know...with you and Daryl and ..well...I feel safer in this group than I would with anyone else in the world, that's for sure."

"I'm not talking about that," she shook her head. "I'm not talking about your physical safety."

Puzzled, he looked at her.

"It's obvious something's bothering you...something you've been keeping to yourself for a very long time. The thing with secrets, they have a way of eating you up. You can try to bury them, try to deny they exist, but at the end of the day and you're alone and you have to sleep with yourself...sometimes that's the hardest part of the world we're living in now."

Rick took a minute to digest what Carol had just told him. "You're right. It's ...it's more. It's complicated."

Carol squeezed his hand again. "Is it Lori?"

Now Rick was shocked. "How did you..."

"I've loved before. Nothing can confuse a person more in this world than love. Ironic, isn't it? The one thing that's supposed to make us feel safe and sheltered can make us feel more isolated from the entire human population than any walker ever could," she chuckled bitterly.

"That's it. I mean...I never thought about it that way...but that's it..."

"It's okay if you still love Lori, if you still miss her. It's only natural. You're still human."

Rick stood up and faced away. "That's just it! I do miss her, but I'm also so mad at her...so mad..."

Carol said nothing, but just gave him his space to gather his thoughts.

"I mean, you all know we had our problems when I came back to the group. But I can remember talking to Shane about this, the day I was shot...Lori and I..." Rick found that once he'd started talking, he couldn't stop, not now. "Lori and I always had her differences. She was always after me to open up to her more, to 'show my feelings more'...to spend less time at work, to spend more time with her. I didn't get it, Carol. I really didn't."

"So are you mad at Lori or are you mad at yourself?" Carol questioned.

He did a double take. "That's just it. I don't know. I don't know. You don't know how much I love my boy..." Rick stopped and corrected himself. "That's wrong. You of all people know how much I love my boy. I'd do anything in the world for him...I'd give my life for Carl."

"And Judith?" Carol whispered.

"Of course I love her, and would die for her as well. But the thing is, Carol...every time I see Judith, I see Lori. But that's not all. I also see Shane. God I hate myself for even thinking it let alone saying it out loud!"

"Rick...may I share something with you, something I've never told anyone, not even Daryl?"

Now she really had his attention. Rick nodded, and she continued.

"The whole time I was pregnant with Sophia, I was scared. I was scared of Ed, of course, but I didn't know if she would be a boy or a girl. I didn't know if she'd be like him..."

"And that scared you?"

Carol nodded. "Of course. But you know what scared me even more than the idea of my child being like Ed? The thought of my child being like me."

Rick shook his head. "I don't understand...Carol, there's nothing wrong with you. Our group owes so much to you. I owe so much to you..."

"It wasn't like that, not then. All I knew was that I was married to a person who didn't appreciate me, who constantly caused me to question my worth as a wife, as a mother-to-be. He didn't want me to work, so I couldn't find my worth that way. For so many years all I knew about myself was what Ed wanted me to believe."

"Surely you don't...I mean Daryl..."

Carol smiled. "I know he cares about me. He does."

Rick thought for a second. "I get what you're saying though. I hid behind my job, loved to play the hero, but at the end of the day I felt like an imposter because I was always letting my wife down. I wasn't sure..."

"And then what she did with Shane..." Carol commented.

"Yeah. What she did with Shane."

"Rick, I won 't excuse what she did, but I won't blame you either. I won't patronize you by telling you what you think you want to hear. But all I know is that for a long time when I saw Sophia I saw Ed. I would never hurt my daughter, but I was terrified of this little creature who couldn't even speak for herself."

"What changed...how you felt about your kid?"

She smiled again. "Sophia did. The more I was around her, the more she responded to me, to the way I raised her, to the time I spent with her...I stopped thinking of her so much as Ed's kid or even mine, but as Sophia. A little person in her own right, who all I knew made me feel good in ways I'd never felt before. She trusted me. If she was hungry, she knew I'd feed her. I'd rush in to change her diapers, to sing to her, to play with her."

Rick said nothing.

Now Carol stood up and took his hand. "Rick, trust me. One day, maybe it will be today, maybe it won't, but there will be a day when you look at Judith and you won't see Lori and all the hurt you've experienced...you won 't see Shane. All you'll see is this beautiful girl who loves you and trusts you and accepts you for who you are. And the moment that happens...all I know is your life will start to make sense in ways its never had before. You can do this, Rick. We believe in you. I believe in you."

He hugged her, and they both embraced for quite a while. Then he opened his eyes, and over his shoulders he saw her bag that she'd sat down.

Pulling away, he questioned her. "Carol...were you..."

"It doesn't matter right now. It doesn't. I guess we both forgot what family really means to us."

She kissed his cheek then grabbed her bags and went back into their makeshift station.

But before she turned in for the night, she turned around and looked him in the eyes. "Rick...Lori, she loved you. She did. Carl loves you. Judith loves you. The group loves you. For what it's worth, I love you. You deserve that. Don't forget it."

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Rick grinned and replied, "I love you too, Carol."

Smiling one last time, Carol finally headed back into the shelter for the night.

He just watched, and he shook his head in awe. Hard to believe the quiet, passive Carol Peletier had grown into such a strong, wise woman, one whom he'd be wise to do everything in his power to keep in his group.

Maybe along the way he'd let Lori down, no matter what his intentions towards her had been.

Just as Carol has just touched upon the idea of her repaying Daryl by helping Rick and Judith, it dawned on Rick that he could do the same for Lori, for Carol.

It was too late for him to make things right with Lori. As long as he'd live, he'd have to live with that. But for now, he'd just realized he'd received a gift of understanding that meant more to him than it ever would have before all this started.

Not just for Carol, but for all his family and friends, he'd give them what he'd been given.

So he walked into the small hut, found Judith in a small box for a bassinet, and he picked her up and drew her close to him.

He carefully laid down on the floor, bringing Judith to his side, Fortunately she was pretty sleepy, so she didn't fuss. She leaned her head against Rick's chest, and for the first time in a long, long time, he not only wasn't afraid of the morning, he was looking quite forward to what the new day would bring.

Carl briefly opened his eyes, saw Rick kissing Judith's forehead, and he smiled, falling back into a deep sleep.

Yes, maybe this ragtag group of friends and family was really what life was all about.

The end


End file.
